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lildaisyflower
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Name: Alysun
Country: United States
State: Please select...
Birthday: 11/30/1981
Gender: Female
Interests: I LOVE THE JESUS!!! I love to dance and sing. I love to make people laugh!! I enjoy reading, writing, and I am currently learning how to play the guitar. In other words...I rock. I am a nanny for a 5 yr old (going on 35!!) lil girl whom I have come to love like my own. ps-im the one on the right =)
Expertise: failing miserably at just about anything i try...and immitating a child-- 2 things that will get me far in life, im sure.
Occupation: Administrative
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message me
AIM:  Alykat1130
Member Since:
3/4/2004
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| Life in terms of love.
emotional me
today has been a good day. a really good day. but, as i expected they would, tears sneak out of these tired eyes. not sad kinda tears. not bad kinda tears. too much to just be kinda tears. life is good. things are good. ive learned in these past 2 weeks that trust is quicksand. sometimes its worth stepping out. this pool that had layed ahead seemed familiar. too familiar. i had just forgotten the consequences of letting my heart give me permission to jump in. however, in the midst of sinking, it was more than refreshing and reassuring to see the hand that reached to save me, yet again. those nail scarred hands hold nothing but grace.
i am well on my way to a better me. a better understanding of what i am made of. what i can do if i let myself try. what i can be without someone telling me to. tonight (i wont go into details or this crazy evening) i saw so many beautiful shades of love.
first, sacrifice. loving someone so much that you think NOTHING of giving them things you love without charge or mental notes. the kindest eyes and warmest smile meeting you at the door when you are an hour late to dinner (your favorite meal without asking). really knowing someone. knowing what they will need after 10 hour shifts. cookies. laughs. hugs. love that can never been immitated, faked, or lost. love that makes you lose your breath at the thought of it not being there one day. love that will last when life doesn't.
the second scene is confusion. love is confused. it confounds the wise. it sits me still (and that is almost impossible). why do i miss someone that was so wrong for me? why, after 3 months of avoiding his calls do i want to answer now? and on my other empty hand...why did he come back in my life just to hurt me and leave me again? do i deserve this? shouldn't it hurt more than it does? why, in my heart, do i smile and count this all a blessing? where is this strength coming from? will i ever get past my hesitations of commitment? where do they even begin?
the last is unconditional. i sat (and rather uncomfortably) while an elderly woman i have never really met yelled at her husband. seems the husband left for his job and the wife has dementia and totally forgot their conversation. 3 hours of searching and wondering. now he is safe at home and on the couch for not telling her where he would be. he winked at me as if to say "this is love. raw. understood. hard." i came home and cried. let it out. how do you love someone so much? or how do you not? im so confused. i have watched my best friends take the plunge of love this summer and i sit here...scratching my head.
i know i know. i am 25. im in no rush. but as the lights on the tree give off such a peaceful glow, i feel part of me open. a piece of this wall inside starts to crumble. here i am. empty. learning. ready for whatever waits outside these palace doors. | | |
| so, i think i need to make extreme home makeover part of my quiet time. this episode was about a little girl with a hole in her heart. wondering each day if the pollution that seemingly doesn't affect those around her, could cause her not to wake up in the morning. lately, thats me. the organ that pumps life into my veins feels incomplete. unable to do it's job. yet, unlike this sweet, amazing little girl...the hole in my heart was created by my own sinful self. my own self destruction. her character, not yet tainted by what the world has to offer, stands strong. still,she struggles each day to survive. i too struggle. i breath in deception, lies, immodesty, and hate. seems to be what this society thrives on.
im no good. im really no good. but i am trying. one of the designers said we can't heal her, but we can help her live a life with a few less worries. so while a new house with really cool stuff inside would ease the worry of lizzard and mice spottings, i know ultimately it doesn't matter what location, what surroundings--each day im still surrounded by death. and i must choose to live. choose to breath. choose to survive on the grace im blessed with.
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| we are made of, from, and for... loveive had a long week. and its only tuesday. haneous tuesday. tuesday is SO haneous that it crept into my monday. i had one of the scariest moments of...well, ever (and ive had some crazy moments). i saw what i thought was sure death. not for me, for one of the sweetest, most gentle men (and my favorite customer by far) i will ever meet. his name--daniel. he is 80+. his usual entrance is a little dance to make us smile, followed by walking to each teller and greeting them with at least a wave and smile. sweet smile. kind eyes. funny stories. yesterday he came in. his eyes far off. his smile, tired. he stopped to say hello to the lady next to me and expressed that since his wife died 4 years ago, whenever he felt lonely, he would come see us and he would always leave refreshed, renewed, revived. ironic. he moved down to my window. he talked to me for at least half an hour. some of the things didn't make sense...talking about seeing his wife and mom and dad again, random Bible verses, about his mother, his father, i reminded him of his favorite pupil in England, watching his mom die, more Bible verses, telling me when life gets me down to laugh it off, when love leaves to laugh it off. i sat and just listened, ignoring everything else around me. he needed to be heard. his son and daughter lived in NY. he was all alone. we had become his family. after we talked, he moved down for pam to help him with his money. she told him to sit down and when she said his name he didn't respond. she called out my name and i left my station and walked down to see him with his head on the table and shaking. i ran around to him and just started patting his back. he said "oh, im going to die now. im going to die." i just reassured him that we were all there with him and he was going to be ok. he grabbed my hand and it was ice cold. his face was sweating and i thought for sure he was passing away right there in my arms. tears rolled down my cheeks. i tried to be strong. i couldn't. life squad got there and he passed out. they lifted him on the stretcher with a frail heartrate of 52. he came to and said he didn't want to leave us and he owed pam 9 cents. they took a long time in our parking lot and left without a rush or sirens. i thought my dear friend had died.
he had left his bag and papers behind (he carried them everywhere). i had to finish his transactions. i looked through his papers to find his little money envelopes and bills that we help him pay. i couldn't help the tears as i looked at what this beautiful man carried everywhere...Bible verses. neatly written on old scraps of paper. the world will never know daniel. its a crying shame. it might be a better place to raise a child.
i stopped at the hospital after work, praying i would find him there. alas, he was doing much better. something of his kidneys. still not sure. he smiled and i knew he was going to be ok. at least for now. he quoted us some Bible verses. he apologized for scaring us so much. i never want to forget that its possible to have a heart that shines. he spills over with love. he kissed our hands and we left so he could rest.
i want to sit by his bed and listen. i want to give him everything i have. and not because he needs it (he doesn't). but because i feel like the world has cheated him somehow. not monitarily, but simply by letting such an amazing person go unnoted. when we told our customers why we were unable to complete a transaction without tears--none of them recognized his name. then we said--that elderly black man that volunteers at Remke (the grocery store across the street). they all responded the same. "oh yes, he is the sweetest man. i do hope he is ok." if they only knew. he always brings whoever waits on him a fresh beautiful flower. what a fresh spirit and beautiful soul. a gentle reminder to me that we are made of, from, and for love.
the world may never know daniel, but i count it an extra blessing that i can call him friend.
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| its not even half way through the episode of Extreme Makeover--Home Addition...and im crying. really crying. not just those cute little girly tears. im in full sob. i can't get through an episode without at least a few sweet tears( but 9 times out of 10 its the sobbing). what a reality check. how humbling. here i am feeling sorry for myself that i can't sit face to face with him. that he is busy with school and i just want to talk with him. and this poor wonderful women threw herself over her 2 boys when a tornado came through and crushed their house. she is confinded to a wheelchair and they lost everything. people thought they were dead. im no good. im really no good.
life, however. life is good. i find myself feeling normal again. funny again. wanting to serve again. life isn't about me. i am reminded every day. the more i learn about the people i love and that love me, the more i realize how unworthy i am. and its not the i dont deserve happiness or woe is me. its this overwhelming sense of gratitude. the more i realize that its not about things, its about people. i realize not everyone has what i do. i realize i need to share it more.
just now (in the show) the family is getting ready to see their house and the husband got down on his knees to be at the same level as his wife. small gesture. but to me, im speechless. something else i need to work on.
thee roomies and i chose to be 3 blind mice in honor of our newest roommate...yes, the palace has a mouse. we were stuck on the couch for an hour that fateful night of the sighting. what do you do? call every boy you know and sound really hopeless.
we won most creative. oh yes. see how we run.
a bunch of us played flag football all afternoon. the smell reminded me. im going to go take care of that.
im out.
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| the good times.forgive me. i may say too much. i may not make sense. im exhausted. and rightfully so. my eyes shouldn't have the strength to hold themselves open. but my mind is racing so fast, they lift with the mere jolt of adrenaline (or it could still be the 9 cups of coffee that never wore off). i have experienced so much these past few months (as i have stated before) but nothing could have prepared me for what happened last night.
ive been talking a lot about josh lately. he has been on my heart. my mind. my dreams. last night--my reality. breathing my same air. looking me in the eyes for the first time in 2 years. i forgot the ways can't look away. the ways i laugh. the ways i tear up. the ways i loved.
i took a trip to wooster to visit my friends becca and andrew and their newest addition aubrey. it just so happened he was going to be in town this weekend as well. i said we could meet for coffee. we met for repair.
an hour turned into 5 and somewhere along the way my heart lost itself. it was free to roam again. all that extra weight it carried for so long vanished with such simple words. please forgive me. its ok. thank you. lets forget. lets remember. lets figure out. lets close our eyes and hold back those pressing tears. i loved you. with everything i had, i sincerely loved you. im so glad to know you felt the same. healing brought so much peace. comfort. laughter. i love to laugh with you. i love walking around walmart with you. driving with you. talking with you. remembering with you.
applebees turned into our arby's. free coffee and countless pauses in the story. for so long i couldnt imagine why we ever started...last night, i couldn't imagine why we ever stopped. but i think we figured all that we needed to keep peace. give and recieve it. ive missed seeing you too. lets not make it so long for the next time.
*mawie's already cookin and workin on her shove methods.
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