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emotional me
today has been a good day. a really good day. but, as i expected they would, tears sneak out of these tired eyes. not sad kinda tears. not bad kinda tears. too much to just be kinda tears. life is good. things are good. ive learned in these past 2 weeks that trust is quicksand. sometimes its worth stepping out. this pool that had layed ahead seemed familiar. too familiar. i had just forgotten the consequences of letting my heart give me permission to jump in. however, in the midst of sinking, it was more than refreshing and reassuring to see the hand that reached to save me, yet again. those nail scarred hands hold nothing but grace.
i am well on my way to a better me. a better understanding of what i am made of. what i can do if i let myself try. what i can be without someone telling me to. tonight (i wont go into details or this crazy evening) i saw so many beautiful shades of love.
first, sacrifice. loving someone so much that you think NOTHING of giving them things you love without charge or mental notes. the kindest eyes and warmest smile meeting you at the door when you are an hour late to dinner (your favorite meal without asking). really knowing someone. knowing what they will need after 10 hour shifts. cookies. laughs. hugs. love that can never been immitated, faked, or lost. love that makes you lose your breath at the thought of it not being there one day. love that will last when life doesn't.
the second scene is confusion. love is confused. it confounds the wise. it sits me still (and that is almost impossible). why do i miss someone that was so wrong for me? why, after 3 months of avoiding his calls do i want to answer now? and on my other empty hand...why did he come back in my life just to hurt me and leave me again? do i deserve this? shouldn't it hurt more than it does? why, in my heart, do i smile and count this all a blessing? where is this strength coming from? will i ever get past my hesitations of commitment? where do they even begin?
the last is unconditional. i sat (and rather uncomfortably) while an elderly woman i have never really met yelled at her husband. seems the husband left for his job and the wife has dementia and totally forgot their conversation. 3 hours of searching and wondering. now he is safe at home and on the couch for not telling her where he would be. he winked at me as if to say "this is love. raw. understood. hard." i came home and cried. let it out. how do you love someone so much? or how do you not? im so confused. i have watched my best friends take the plunge of love this summer and i sit here...scratching my head.
i know i know. i am 25. im in no rush. but as the lights on the tree give off such a peaceful glow, i feel part of me open. a piece of this wall inside starts to crumble. here i am. empty. learning. ready for whatever waits outside these palace doors. |
| | Posted 12/13/2006 11:45 PM - 65 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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