lildaisyflower's Xanga

Life in terms of love.

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 03:45:57 GMT

emotional me

today has been a good day. a really good day. but, as i expected they would, tears sneak out of these tired eyes. not sad kinda tears. not bad kinda tears. too much to just be kinda tears. life is good. things are good. ive learned in these past 2 weeks that trust is quicksand. sometimes its worth stepping out. this pool that had layed ahead seemed familiar. too familiar. i had just forgotten the consequences of letting my heart give me permission to jump in. however, in the midst of sinking, it was more than refreshing and reassuring to see the hand that reached to save me, yet again. those nail scarred hands hold nothing but grace.
i am well on my way to a better me. a better understanding of what i am made of. what i can do if i let myself try. what i can be without someone telling me to. tonight (i wont go into details or this crazy evening) i saw so many beautiful shades of love.
first, sacrifice. loving someone so much that you think NOTHING of giving them things you love without charge or mental notes. the kindest eyes and warmest smile meeting you at the door when you are an hour late to dinner (your favorite meal without asking). really knowing someone. knowing what they will need after 10 hour shifts. cookies. laughs. hugs. love that can never been immitated, faked, or lost. love that makes you lose your breath at the thought of it not being there one day. love that will last when life doesn't.
the second scene is confusion. love is confused. it confounds the wise. it sits me still (and that is almost impossible). why do i miss someone that was so wrong for me? why, after 3 months of avoiding his calls do i want to answer now? and on my other empty hand...why did he come back in my life just to hurt me and leave me again? do i deserve this? shouldn't it hurt more than it does? why, in my heart, do i smile and count this all a blessing? where is this strength coming from? will i ever get past my hesitations of commitment? where do they even begin?
the last is unconditional. i sat (and rather uncomfortably) while an elderly woman i have never really met yelled at her husband. seems the husband left for his job and the wife has dementia and totally forgot their conversation. 3 hours of searching and wondering. now he is safe at home and on the couch for not telling her where he would be. he winked at me as if to say "this is love. raw. understood. hard." i came home and cried. let it out. how do you love someone so much? or how do you not? im so confused. i have watched my best friends take the plunge of love this summer and i sit here...scratching my head.
i know i know. i am 25. im in no rush. but as the lights on the tree give off such a peaceful glow, i feel part of me open. a piece of this wall inside starts to crumble. here i am. empty. learning. ready for whatever waits outside these palace doors.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 02:13:38 GMT

so, i think i need to make extreme home makeover part of my quiet time. this episode was about a little girl with a hole in her heart. wondering each day if the pollution that seemingly doesn't affect those around her, could cause her not to wake up in the morning. lately, thats me. the organ that pumps life into my veins feels incomplete. unable to do it's job. yet, unlike this sweet, amazing little girl...the hole in my heart was created by my own sinful self. my own self destruction. her character, not yet tainted by what the world has to offer, stands strong. still,she struggles each day to survive. i too struggle. i breath in deception, lies, immodesty, and hate. seems to be what this society thrives on.
im no good. im really no good. but i am trying. one of the designers said we can't heal her, but we can help her live a life with a few less worries. so while a new house with really cool stuff inside would ease the worry of lizzard and mice spottings, i know ultimately it doesn't matter what location, what surroundings--each day im still surrounded by death. and i must choose to live. choose to breath. choose to survive on the grace im blessed with.

we are made of, from, and for... love

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 19:29:13 GMT

ive had a long week. and its only tuesday. haneous tuesday. tuesday is SO haneous that it crept into my monday. i had one of the scariest moments of...well, ever (and ive had some crazy moments). i saw what i thought was sure death. not for me, for one of the sweetest, most gentle men (and my favorite customer by far) i will ever meet. his name--daniel. he is 80+. his usual entrance is a little dance to make us smile, followed by walking to each teller and greeting them with at least a wave and smile. sweet smile. kind eyes. funny stories. yesterday he came in. his eyes far off. his smile, tired. he stopped to say hello to the lady next to me and expressed that since his wife died 4 years ago, whenever he felt lonely, he would come see us and he would always leave refreshed, renewed, revived. ironic. he moved down to my window. he talked to me for at least half an hour. some of the things didn't make sense...talking about seeing his wife and mom and dad again, random Bible verses, about his mother, his father, i reminded him of his favorite pupil in England, watching his mom die, more Bible verses, telling me when life gets me down to laugh it off, when love leaves to laugh it off. i sat and just listened, ignoring everything else around me. he needed to be heard. his son and daughter lived in NY. he was all alone. we had become his family. after we talked, he moved down for pam to help him with his money. she told him to sit down and when she said his name he didn't respond. she called out my name and i left my station and walked down to see him with his head on the table and shaking. i ran around to him and just started patting his back. he said "oh, im going to die now. im going to die." i just reassured him that we were all there with him and he was going to be ok. he grabbed my hand and it was ice cold. his face was sweating and i thought for sure he was passing away right there in my arms. tears rolled down my cheeks. i tried to be strong. i couldn't. life squad got there and he passed out. they lifted him on the stretcher with a frail heartrate of 52. he came to and said he didn't want to leave us and he owed pam 9 cents. they took a long time in our parking lot and left without a rush or sirens. i thought my dear friend had died.
he had left his bag and papers behind (he carried them everywhere). i had to finish his transactions. i looked through his papers to find his little money envelopes and bills that we help him pay. i couldn't help the tears as i looked at what this beautiful man carried everywhere...Bible verses. neatly written on old scraps of paper. the world will never know daniel. its a crying shame. it might be a better place to raise a child.
i stopped at the hospital after work, praying i would find him there. alas, he was doing much better. something of his kidneys. still not sure. he smiled and i knew he was going to be ok. at least for now. he quoted us some Bible verses. he apologized for scaring us so much. i never want to forget that its possible to have a heart that shines. he spills over with love. he kissed our hands and we left so he could rest.
i want to sit by his bed and listen. i want to give him everything i have. and not because he needs it (he doesn't). but because i feel like the world has cheated him somehow. not monitarily, but simply by letting such an amazing person go unnoted. when we told our customers why we were unable to complete a transaction without tears--none of them recognized his name. then we said--that elderly black man that volunteers at Remke (the grocery store across the street). they all responded the same. "oh yes, he is the sweetest man. i do hope he is ok." if they only knew. he always brings whoever waits on him a fresh beautiful flower. what a fresh spirit and beautiful soul. a gentle reminder to me that we are made of, from, and for love.
the world may never know daniel, but i count it an extra blessing that i can call him friend.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 00:06:55 GMT

its not even half way through the episode of Extreme Makeover--Home Addition...and im crying. really crying. not just those cute little girly tears. im in full sob. i can't get through an episode without at least a few sweet tears( but 9 times out of 10 its the sobbing). what a reality check. how humbling. here i am feeling sorry for myself that i can't sit face to face with him. that he is busy with school and i just want to talk with him. and this poor wonderful women threw herself over her 2 boys when a tornado came through and crushed their house. she is confinded to a wheelchair and they lost everything. people thought they were dead. im no good. im really no good.
life, however. life is good. i find myself feeling normal again. funny again. wanting to serve again. life isn't about me. i am reminded every day. the more i learn about the people i love and that love me, the more i realize how unworthy i am. and its not the i dont deserve happiness or woe is me. its this overwhelming sense of gratitude. the more i realize that its not about things, its about people. i realize not everyone has what i do. i realize i need to share it more.
just now (in the show) the family is getting ready to see their house and the husband got down on his knees to be at the same level as his wife. small gesture. but to me, im speechless. something else i need to work on.
thee roomies and i chose to be 3 blind mice in honor of our newest roommate...yes, the palace has a mouse. we were stuck on the couch for an hour that fateful night of the sighting. what do you do? call every boy you know and sound really hopeless.
we won most creative. oh yes. see how we run.
a bunch of us played flag football all afternoon. the smell reminded me. im going to go take care of that.
im out.

the good times.

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 04:11:59 GMT

forgive me. i may say too much. i may not make sense. im exhausted. and rightfully so. my eyes shouldn't have the strength to hold themselves open. but my mind is racing so fast, they lift with the mere jolt of adrenaline (or it could still be the 9 cups of coffee that never wore off). i have experienced so much these past few months (as i have stated before) but nothing could have prepared me for what happened last night.
ive been talking a lot about josh lately. he has been on my heart. my mind. my dreams. last night--my reality. breathing my same air. looking me in the eyes for the first time in 2 years. i forgot the ways can't look away. the ways i laugh. the ways i tear up. the ways i loved.
i took a trip to wooster to visit my friends becca and andrew and their newest addition aubrey. it just so happened he was going to be in town this weekend as well. i said we could meet for coffee. we met for repair.
an hour turned into 5 and somewhere along the way my heart lost itself. it was free to roam again. all that extra weight it carried for so long vanished with such simple words. please forgive me. its ok. thank you. lets forget. lets remember. lets figure out. lets close our eyes and hold back those pressing tears. i loved you. with everything i had, i sincerely loved you. im so glad to know you felt the same. healing brought so much peace. comfort. laughter. i love to laugh with you. i love walking around walmart with you. driving with you. talking with you. remembering with you.
applebees turned into our arby's. free coffee and countless pauses in the story. for so long i couldnt imagine why we ever started...last night, i couldn't imagine why we ever stopped. but i think we figured all that we needed to keep peace. give and recieve it. ive missed seeing you too. lets not make it so long for the next time.
*mawie's already cookin and workin on her shove methods.

Life lesson #82

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 01:02:04 GMT

There comes a point in life when you go or give up. You wake up and realize for so many years you didn't give yourself enough credit, enough slack, enough grace. This past summer, there have been quite a few heart jumping, breathless moments-- Jill, Holly, and Rach walking down the aisle, my heart breaking in ways I forgot it could, the infamous "call", jetting off to NYC to watch my brother/hero perform in one of the biggest nights of his career, sleeping on a cliff, hiking 10 miles in 24 hours (the 2nd 5 miles without food or water), losing myself in a hopeless affair, ending it. I can't imagine life any different. I screwed up in so many ways. But looking back, they were beautiful. They hurt, they can haunt...but honestly, they have enlightened me to what God can do when I ask Him to show me.
Last weekend was Rachels wedding, marking the end of my "summer of love". I was exhausted on that drive back from West Virginia (esp. after catching my 3rd bouquet this summer), but I smiled as I drove. I like where I am. I forget that a lot. I got back and spent the day with Lauren. Josh Via came down for some PPP quality time. Then I was off to packing for my red eye flight to NYC to see my brother's show and one of my true best friend's, Sarah Jane. It was amazing time and I hardly had time to breathe. I came home and immediately began to unwind. Holly and Dave came down and I cooked dinner and they stayed the night. I love them both so much. It is amazingly weird that they are married.
Now comes Saturday. Annabelle's 1st birthday made my heart smile. She might be the cutest thing to walk this earth. Her party hat had pink fur. Who couldn't love her?? After the party, I scoped out a sleeping bag and headed for Red River Gorge. Jason forgot the tent poles so we all slept under the stars. It was only my second time camping so I really was roughing it. The next day we woke up and were planning a 2, maybe 2.5 mile trek to a cliff. Turns out it was a little over 5 with about 30 lbs on my back. And, mind you, this was no walk in the park. I was climbing on tree trunks, mossy rocks, and putting my hands in only-the-Lord-knows-what. I was behind Jason and at one point he looked back and said "you look miserable." HAHAHA. We finally made it to his precious site and I had to hold my breath. It was beautiful. Amazing. We made rice and beans (beans that we had to open with a rock and a key because SOMEBODY forgot to bring a can opener). We slept under the stars. I woke up with fresh morning dew and a daddy-long-leg on my face. Hmmm. But in those quiet morning hours before the sun woke up, I looked at Jason and learned so much more about him than he could ever tell me. We have been friends, best friends, for 6 years. And that morning, something clicked. We have spent more nights than I can count till the wee hours talking. Talking. Talking. Seems to be the only thing we do. And all of that together couldn't tell me what this trip did. He pushed me. He threatened to leave me (only to get me going!!). He encouraged me when I was sure I couldnt do it. Looking back there were at least 73 times I could have fallen to my death if I would have made one wrong move. I am scared of hights on a bridge, let alone a tree root to hoist myself to safety. I stared up at the stars fading slowly into the coming light and realized what love is. This hiking crap is not my idea of a great time. But its Jason's love. And I loved it because he did. Its friendship. Its waiting on a pansy girl to catch her breath because she ran from a bee. Its wanting to really know someone, no matter what it costs you (dignity, a few showers, vanity, and a good pair of shoes). I hope Jas and I will always be friends We have that love. Not a gushy-lets-get-married-with stars-in-our-eyes kind of love. And for awhile, I couldn't understand why it couldn't be just that. It wasnt until I realized us for what we are. Deeper. Closer. Friendship. He had the chance to leave and he chose to grab my hand and help me the rest of the way. Thats true in the most beautiful way.
So, life lesson #82...always choose to go.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 22:25:43 GMT

so...that last entry was meant to be private. i didn't realize my error until i went to write an actual public blog and saw that there were comments awaiting me. hmmm, i thought, i bet im retarded. and sure enough, i didn't disappoint myself. there i was. hanging my dirty laundry out to dry for the world to see. and i could have just corrected my mistake and reassured myself that only a few people read, but then i realized, thats what i always do. i play it safe. i have an AMAZING game face. i show my smile to the world while my heart drowns in my stomach. and for the first time in a long time, i swallowed my pride and chalked this one up to "it was meant to be read by someone other than me. someone needed to read this." for the first time maybe ever, i realized that most people have no idea what i am feeling.
the day i broke up with josh, i didn't shed one tear. not one. didn't try. i was completely disconnected. and that killed him. he couldn't understand how i could end things that way. there was no yelling. no fighting. he fell apart in my hands and i just watched. i think that hurt him more than the actual goodbye. my heart feels tired these days. these latter days. these longer days. the air blows a little cooler and it leaves a chill deep down inside. whats out there? behind the wind? behind those questionable clouds? the lightning teases the ground and my soul longs for something more than this. is it time to pack my things and head to undiscovered lands again? has it really almost been a year since my scenery changed for a few months and my life changed forever? my eyes burn. too many tears to count. and why? for who? for what? for how much?
this seems so crazy, but i feel hope stirring beneath me. an anticipation sparks each new day. something is bound to happen. how will i let it affect me? positively. truly. deeply. if my life were a movie (maybe someday) the music would confuse itself. the audience could hardly guess what was going to happen next. unpredictable i am.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 03:20:38 GMT

its been a day. its been a week. its been a month. its been a year. its been 3 years almost to the day. and here i sit. as before. farther than i was. closer than i thought i'd be by now. you know. you know what you have done...what you're doing. and i can cry. oh i can cry with the best of them. but you'll never see a tear. you still have yet to deserve that. and you can say i haven't tried, but that too would be a lie. we both understand what was. maybe its even fair to say we still think sometimes about what could be. but where will that ever get us? please. let me be. if you had called with the intentions of a friendly conversation, a cup of coffee to laugh about the good times and settle the bad, i wouldn't be here. thinking. but that is why you called. to bring me to this place. you sounded so forced. fake. rushed. but why? no one asked you to call. i could read right through your words. in your voice. i heard it. have you forgotten i am the girl you planned to marry? spend your life with? serve beside? maybe that chapter ended, but it seems to me, you would have more respect for the woman i am, i was, i will be. a sister. a girl. fragile. i loved you. i will admit, i denied it. even until this past year. and i apologize. i told people i was stuck. but i realized, i loved you. and we broke each other's hearts. and thats not ok, but its in the past. we both did each other wrong. and i could move on to a prettier scene where we laugh. where we can call. but you can't. why? do you still love me? or are you just curious? well, i'll make this easy. if you are wondering if i am happy, yes. if you are wondering if i got fat, no. if you are wondering if my hair is short or long, long. if you are wondering if i've moved on, a few times. if you are wondering if my heart still drops into my stomach at the mention of your name or the sound of our song, yes. if you are wondering if i still love you, no. ive changed. you've changed. you still are apparently unable to be upfront with your intentions. this may sound harsh. you may never read this. i don't care. if you ever did love me, you wouldn't do this. or maybe you really did and this is how you deal. its been a long broken road. its lead me through so much. i'm stronger than i ever thought i could be. and it took so long to move past the things you said. the things you did. but i have. so, unless you can call or email and be clear with your intentions...don't. i don't want to know you got engaged on my birthday. i don't want to know you are doing what we planned to do together. what i do want to know is that you are sorry. otherwise, please, just let me be.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 05:45:05 GMT

my eyes hate me for making them stay open past closing time...but i have to get this down before my blood resumes its normal rate of speed. tonight may have been one of the most worshipful experiences of my life. i dont care that i am about to be really honest. i dont care anymore...but in the most beautiful way.
say what you will. think what you must. i dont care. i dont care. my words have been bitter. my heart had grown eerily cold. my eyes have seen only judgement. harsh. angry. everything i never thought i could be, i had become. and maybe worse, i didn't care. i didn't care who i stepped on. i didn't care who i hurt. i didn't care if i made you cry...it almost felt nice to feel better than someone. all with a smile. all with a laugh. you may know what i am saying. you may not. it doesnt matter now.
i have tasted grace. bittersweet. the tears ive held in for so long. the horrible ache in my heart i had grown to hate. tonight in the course of an hour, God did what He does. He changed me. He changed who i was. He changed who i am. He restored life. He humbled. He broke. He conquered. He faught. most of all, He loved.
i asked a coworker to go to church with me tonight. we had spent the afternoon talking about God as i shared my "story". i invited her to church and she said she would think about it. she called this afternoon to say she would have to miss. i arrived at church with my smile and eagerness to hear what Rob had to say. we started singing. i started thinking...why didn't she want to come? what am i lacking that she would not run at the chance to see what i have that she doesnt. doesn't she want what i have? doesnt she see something in me that she cant live without?
and that is when it hit me, yet again. who am i? who am i, really? who am i to rely on my broken heart to heal the wounded? why did i want her to hear God when i wouldnt listen myself? why am i running away from the warmth of the fire and pushing her into it? who am i kidding? myself. the root of all my problems. i get in the way. i wanted God to speak to her...and He spoke to me.
I opened my eyes and people were worshiping all around me in the most amazing way. the song drifted slowly and rob came up to speak. yet his words held more wisdom than i was ready for. he felt God moving among His children. we weren't done raising our voices to Him. our hearts were still proclaiming "Why should I gain from His reward?" its as if God came down and spoke audible words right to my heart. i bowed my head, and let go of all that thought was gain, to lose my life for the sake of finding it once again. we sang. i opened my heart to the joy i have been waiting to wake up and find. how blessed is the Light in darkness. how true is His mercy. how amazing is His love.
tonight friends, like the realizations i was given in jordan, a message spoke through our voices as our hearts connected with their Maker...freedom is ours.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 00:43:31 GMT

So I just had an amazing 24 hours in Chicago. So Amazing that, even tho the entry may not have the proper punks, I am going to properly capitalize my words...maybe. At least for right now while I feel like it. Yeah, I said it.
I decided it was time to intervene on fate and plan a trip up to see Sarah Jane. I was off on Tuesday so I left straight from work on Monday and while I was almost there, I get a call from my awaiting hostess. Her voice is so rich with excitement that my heart starts beating faster. Not only are we anticipating a long awaited greeting, but she tells me that she is 99% sure she will be playing Glenda this week in Wicked (she is in the ensemble and Glenda's understudy). She also got me a ticket!!!! AHHHHH. So I sat in the 4th row and watched one of my best friends completely captivate thousands of eyes and induce magnificent applause. I felt like a proud mother! I cried like a proud mother.
The last song was Glenda (Sarah Jane) and the "wicked" witch (Katy) and they are signing because they don't want to leave each other. They know their friendship has to end because she is going away. I started really crying. Sarah Jane started crying too!!! I will try and get the words so you can understand. I just didn't want to leave (the song is For Good).
I just sat there while the crowd made its way out of the theatre still talking about her performance and remembered those shows at CCM. A hundred people, maybe a few more, would crowd into a small performance theatre to see some college kids put on a good show. And now, in all her glory, the sparkles on her gowns reflected the gleam in her eyes. She was good. And she knew it. She was born to do this. And I was born to do this...sit in the audience...and be more than proud. (thanks kel, for pointing that out). Encourage. Support. Brag. Listen. It's what I do best.
So, driving home was a challenge. I left Chicago at midnight. I lost an hour. I got in bed at 6 this morn and back out at 7:45 and worked till 6. So this equals bedtime.
I had a great weekend by the way. Friday night I got to share in some excitement with Lauren. "It gets better everyday". Saturday I worked, met Jill to get her haircut with Nasser...which is a whole blog in itself. Then afterwards I met Holly and her mom to try on wedding dresses. That was fun. Saturday night I went to take a "nap" so when Sara got home we could watch a movie. That was 8. I woke up the next morning at 9. I was one tired girl!
Sunday church was good. I went and got my car fixed (with an extra $10 off from the cute oil guy) and came home and made dinner for the girls. Sara said something inappropriate and Lauren, Sara, and I laughed until we cried. JP and Abs came down and the 5 of us hit up Allyn's for a night full of dancing and trying not to stare at the drunk guy with his zipper down.
It has been grey and rainy. My bed needs company. I must submit.
Today, it feels good to be me.